Ten Things I Like: 90s TV Hunks

Hey all, I am happy to announce my next guest blogger! My dear friend Olivia is here to help remind us of all the mouth watering, eye candy of the wonderful world of ’90s television. You should get excited because she’s as sarcastic and witty and wildly inappropriate as they come. I did, however, feel the need to join in with my super awesome opinion, since my ultimate preteen TV crush, Joshua Jackson, aka Pacey Witter (god I love him — and yes, I was a Joey/Pacey fan, thank god that worked out that way or I would have lost my shit), was snubbed from this list and to just add a tidbit here and there. All of my comments are in bold, so hopefully you don’t get confused. Enjoy… 

Yes, Seksi Actors has been a blog post theme in the past, but we’re going to do a little throwback remix here and talk about some old-school heartthrobs.  Move over Biebs; these drool-worthy hunks from the ‘90s make following celeb hotties on Twitter seem over-accessible and overrated.

1. John Stamos.

Most famous for his role as Uncle Jesse on Full House, John Stamos,  in my eyes, is like a glass of fine wine; he only gets better with age. Where do I begin?  The hair, the “Have Mercy”  catch-phrase (…..yes that’s me rocking that amazballz t-shirt), the fact that he and Danny Tanner are actually dirty-mouthed freaks in real life…  I’d let Jesse Katsopolis lick Greek yogurt off of me while “Forever” was playing in the background on repeat any day of the week.

Uncle Jesse was the ultimate seksi family member of the early ‘90s sitcom era.  Men wanted to be him and women wanted to be with him.  Riding a motorcycle, rocking out with the Beach Boys and somehow, still managing to get D.J. to her Honey-Bees meeting on time; I’d do that man in front of my entire family at Thanksgiving dinner given the chance.

His ability to put up with three snot-nose kids who always needed a life-lesson at the end of every episode (cue sad music) for all of those years, proves he’s great with children.  I curse the day Rebecca Romijn was born for not reproducing with this creature of beauty.  Let’s hope he has an illegitimate child out there somewhere (fingers-crossed it’s with Aunt Becky – how hot would that be?).

If you’re not sold on John Stamos as #1 ’90s TV hottie, just click here. Yep, that just happend.

2. Mark Paul Gosselaar.

Who didn’t have a crush on Zack Morris back in the day?  Once he hit puberty after Good Morning, Miss Bliss, there was no turning back for this Saved By The Bell babe. Sure the college years blew, Mr. Belding was always on his sh*t about something and he was constantly trying to scam his friends to get rich or pass a class, but this bleach-blonde slacker rocked. Zach Morris was innovative beyond his own years, being one of the first technologically advanced high-schoolers to own a mobile phone.  That’s a trend-setter if I ever knew one.

And come-on, Kelly Kapowski… need I say more? Whoever was able to bag that Californian Goddess (before she put on the Freshmen 15) clearly was a dreamboat. Hell, I’d let Zach Morris have his way with me behind the bleachers of a Bayside Tigers’ pep rally and then use me for his own money-scheming gain in a heartbeat.

I need to take a minute to note that Mark Paul Gosselaar is even seksier these days. And he is in one of the HOTTEST scenes I’ve ever seen on TV. Check him out in his guest starring role on Weeds as a small town bar owner. This clip cuts out right before it gets good… so go watch the episode yourself. (In the privacy of your bedroom, I recommend.)

3. Jason Priestley.

The lips, the puppy-dog blue eyes and the fact that he was boing-ing his on-screen sista-sista off-set (oh how I love Hollywood incest); I’d sure like to split a milk shake at the Peach Pit with this stud-muffin. The fact that this guy’s hair impeccably managed to never even so much as waiver in the wind while cruising the streets of Beverly Hills in his yellow Mustang still remains the eighth wonder of the world. And let’s not overlook Brandon Walsh’s sainthood qualities. He made unattractive girls world-wide believe they could bag their own prince-charming when he went for West Beverly’s senior-citizen student, Andrea Zuckerman. We will, however, overlook Priestley’s resemblance to current vampire-tween-heart-melter, Robert Pattinson. That guy freaks me out.

4. Luke Perry.

This James Dean-esk hunk and his motorcycle may take the cake as the ultimate bad-boy of the ’90s.  Yes, I’m aware that you could project a movie off of his forehead, but those sideburns could make any girl swoon.  There’s something about bringing home someone your parent’s would undoubtedly disapprove of that’s quite a turn on…and let’s face it, Dylan McKay is every father’s nightmare.  Who didn’t fantasize about losing their virginity to this deeply troubled bad-boy on prom night? Well, aside from prudey-tudey Donna Martin, that is.

5. Mario Lopez.

We can’t include Zach Morris on this list without throwing in his partner in crime.  No, we’re not talking about Screech, we’re talking about turn-the-AC-up-A.C. Slater.

The dimples, the jheri-curl mullet, the bulging biceps in the tight wrestling uniform; sure, he may have had a lapse in judgment when he hooked-up with Tori, who I’m pretty sure was a butch-leather lezzy, but we can forgive and forget, Mario.  Anyone who can win feminist, caffeine pill-addicted Jessie Spano over while referring to her as “Mama” is ok in my book.  Now, the un-seksi trivia of the day:  Did you know that the A.C. of A.C. Slater stood for Albert Clifford? Yikes – there goes my female boner.

Just take a look at Mario now-a-days….. female boner = BACK.

6. Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

What tween magazine didn’t have this poster-boy’s face splashed across its cover in the ’90s? JTT was so longed-for by pre-pubescent 13-year old girls, he didn’t even need to be called by his first, middle or last name. Three letters were sufficient enough for teeny-bops across the country to pine over this celeb cutie-pie.  Not only was he Tool Time’s coolest son (Brad and Mark Taylor both sucked), but he was also the voice of young-Simba in The Lion King, rocking out with Timon and Pumbaa.  JTT literally grew up before our eyes and made us oh-so-sad when Randy Taylor shadily left Home Improvement.

JTT is a favorite of mine. When I was little I used to tell people he was my 14th cousin… like, WHAT? I wanted to be related to him? I guess my logic was – distant enough to marry him, but related enough to have his good looks (not really, but I was like 10.) Anyway, just look at that face and tell me it doesn’t bring you back — with a big ass smile on your face . I hope my kids look like him! [Oh and Liv is so right about that magazine cover statement, all of these beauties below come from this fabulous website Totally Awesome Teen Pinups and Magazines. Just check it out, and you're welcome.]

7. Andrew Keegan.

My first revelation that I could get tingly down town was in large part due to Andrew Keegan and his many TV and movie appearances in the ‘90s.  Seriously, Keegan was in everything from 7^th Heaven, Party of Five and Step-by-Step, to 10 Things I Like Hate About You and Independence Day. (LOVE THE JOKE LIV!) Who didn’t have a poster of this teen-bop wet-dream hanging on their bedroom wall? The Camp Nowhere heartthrob helped jump-start my adolescents and get me through the 6th grade, and for that, I will be eternally grateful.

                   

8. Joey Lawrence.“Whoa!” Need I elaborate more? Nothing like a dumb-as-rocks heartthrob to make you shameless of dropping your IQ and your panties. This Blossom babe was of sex-symbol stature back in the day. Joey Russo could take Dylan McKay down in a ripped-jeans-and-flannel-shirt battle any day of the week. And let’s just talk about that hair, shall we? Who wouldn’t want to run their fingers through that flowing mane? Sure, today he’s going bald, his career is in the gutter (ABC Family sitcom with Melissa Joan Hart, anyone?) and he man-scapes his brows, but even so, I’d still sit on his face.

In my opinion, Joey Lawrence can’t be mentioned without his younger brother Matthew…. yum yum in my pre-teen tum tum!

9. Rider Strong.
Maybe it was because he came from a broken home and lived in a trailer park, or maybe it was because he rolled with Cory Matthews, who in comparison to that scaredy-cat, couldn’t not look cool, but this white-trash rebel really got my engine revved up back in the hay-day of TGIF programming.  Shawn Hunter of Boy Meets World may go down in history as having quite possibly the best mushroom cut hair-do of the ‘90s.  Again, this is in comparison to Cory Matthews’ brillo-pad-esk, sad excuse for hair that was more reminiscent of pubes than anything. Shawn Hunter and Topanga would have made some seksi, rock-star babies; hopefully he was hitting that off-screen.

10. Jaleel White.

Many of you may think I lost my marbles with this one, but just hear me out. Most famously known for his role as Steve Urkle on Family Matters, Jaleel White is making the cut on this list for his portrayal of Urkle’s seksi, suave alter-ego/clone, Stefan Urquelle.  Think about it.  Steve Urkle being the most pathetic, clumsy, annoying dweeb on the face of the planet climbs into a time machine and comes out a smooth-talking, full-fledged babe-magnet. You can’t deny that Stefan was the man; even Carl Winslow thought this guy had swagger.  In comparison to the every-day, suspenders-wearing, drive-a-car-through-your-neighbor’s-kitchen antics played by his normal character, White proved he could also be mighty fine… and finally win Laura Winslow over.

   

So there you have it, the Top Ten old-school seksi actors from the ’90s.  Anyone not top the list that you were hoping to see?  Well, these guys sure do it for me… Now excuse me while I go masturbate to a 1994 issue of Tiger Beat.

Yep, she’s that good. I know this post was so amaz you’re probably going to read it again. Thanks so much to the raunchy, but completely on point, Olivia. Such a  fab addition to my blog. Thanks girlfriend!!! If you’re so in the mood for some more ’90s qtpiez, check out this ’90s hall of fame website! And, not to end on a depressing note, but did you know that Jonathan Brandis, most commonly known for his roll in The Neverending Story II: The Next Chapter, took his own life back in 2003? I didn’t. Apparently the woes of not being able to make it back after child stardom was too much for him. So sad, to lose such a presh talent so young.

Sorry to be depressing, but I figured he deserved some recognition, and my god I loved that movie — I don’t know if I even realized it was a sequal! Now, off to find VHS copies of all those wonderful TV shows and movies mentioned above..